Honestly? I had too much fun writing this. And oh dear, I do believe I've made our Roy into some sort of masochist.
Title: Cat and Mouse
Rating: PG-13 because of language.
Genre: Humor. I was going to say fluff at first, but unless you consider Ed throwing flower pots at Roy fluffy, then this isn't really fluff. Also slightly cracky due to the fact I was totally high off Pepsi and nail polish when I wrote it.
Word Count: 1,176.
And the challenge was...!
LJ User: bscl43
Keywords: Spite, banana, automobile.
Dialogue: "You know that that's bad for you right?"
Cat and Mouse
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Ed screamed as he slammed his book shut in anger. He had been doing his absolute fucking damndest to ignore the endless thumping, crashing and clattering sounds all throughout the house for the past ten minutes but his tolerance had finally run out.
Fuming as he stormed up the staircase, he grumbled to himself, “Once I get my hands on that bastard there’s no way in hell I’m letting him so much as take one more fucking -”
“ROY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”
Finally, after Ed’s infuriated yell, the thumping halted. There was no answer for a moment before an all-too-innocent voice sang out in response. “I’m just looking for my keys!”
Ed was absolutely bewildered when he heard his lover’s response. Looking for his keys... what the hell? Who makes that much damn noise looking for goddamned keys? He sighed heavily and rubbed his temples soothingly, trying to calm his nerves before he snapped. “They’re on the kitchen table, you moron!”
“No, those are yours!”
“Does it even matter? We have the same keys!” Ed called back, poking his head in each room he passed in search of his boyfriend/victim.
“No they’re not!” Roy retorted, running out of a room to the left of the hallway. He pouted childishly and put his hands on his hips as though the younger man had unfairly accused him of something. Ed only gave him an incredulous look, daring Roy to continue – which he bravely did. “You don’t have the keys for the automobile. You don’t have a license.”
Now that was totally ludicrous.
“I do so have a license! I got it last week! Have you been drunk since then or something?” The blonde retorted angrily. Really, what kind of boyfriend was Roy?
The older man scratched his head. “Yeah but... you’re scary when you’re driving.”
“You’re scary when you’re driving.”
Ed roared in anger and thrust the closest object he could find (which was a small plant on the shelf to his right) straight at Roy’s head. Having much practice in avoiding flying objects since he started to date Ed last year, Roy easily sidestepped the thrown object. He looked down at the new mess on the carpeted floor.
“You’re going to be cleaning that up, you know.” He announced simply, looking back at Ed, knowing full well he was provoking an angry outburst.
The shorter man tugged at his hair as though it would help somehow, but when that remedy failed he resorted to pointing an accusing finger at Roy and glaring with all his might. “Arghh! Fuck you, Roy!”
And there it was! That goddamned I-win-because-I’m-superior smirk of his etched itself onto Roy’s face, and before Ed could finish shouting out his string of obscenities the older man had crossed the hall and had his arms coiled around Ed’s small waist.
“You’re so cute when you’re angry.” He mused before placing a quick kiss on Ed’s lips, postponing the tantrum he was sure would come. Roy took it as a good sign that Ed didn’t struggle against the act of affection. Maybe the blonde would forgive him this time?
Roy really should have been better at predicting his boyfriend by now.
However, Roy was exceptionally good at evading the fuming wrath of his younger lover and dashed down the stairs before Ed could properly react, grinning wildly all the way.
“Come back here!” Ed screamed, immediately giving chase. He was not done with that infuriating man yet, damnit!
“I’m going out to the store once I find my keys!” Roy called out as though he wasn’t running for his life, skidding around the corner and into the living room. He didn’t slow down to give Ed any time to catch up to him, either.
“I already told you Roy, use mine! I have a key for the car too!”
“No you don’t!”
“Yes I do, you idiot!”
“No you don’t, I took it off your keychain and melted it in the fireplace last night!”
“YOU DID WHAT?!” Ed screeched and hurled a pillow he had picked up from the previous room at Roy, who was just running into the dining room. “What the fuck did you do that for?!”
“I told you, you’re a scary driver!”
“I am not!”
“Yes you are! I wouldn’t let my cat outside if I knew you were living in the neighbourhood!” The black haired man shouted back as he ran up the stairs again, still not slowing down the slightest.
“But you hate cats!”
“That’s my point!”
“I WILL KILL YOU!”
Strangely enough, Roy seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the rage of his energetic lover. After all, he was pretty damn cute when he was pissed off and throwing a tantrum. However it was also sort of frightening, Roy thought, as a plate whizzed by his head and shattered into countless different pieces against the wall.
After another few minutes of random cursing and running around the house madly like a hungry, pissed off cat pursuing a mouse, Roy was lucky enough to notice his puppy keychain sticking out from under the newspaper on the kitchen countertop. He wasted no time in snatching the set of keys up and dashing out of the room before Ed could appear and throw something larger and heavier at him.
“I’ve found my keys, so I’ll be going out now! Is there anything you’d like me to get you while I’m gone, darling?” The older man asked with exaggerated sweetness to his voice, knowing how much the usually appreciated term of affection pissed Ed off.
“DON’T CALL ME DARLING!” The blonde yelled, only slightly out of breath by now. “And get me those sprinklely pastries with the chocolate filling.” He added thoughtfully, voice suddenly loosing its venom.
“You know that that’s bad for you, right?” Roy asked innocently as he ran through the living room one last time before finally reaching the foyer. “Why don’t I get you something healthy for a change, like apples or bananas?”
“Don’t. You. Fucking. Dare.” Ed sounded and looked absolutely venomous when he rounded the corner and stood on the other end of hall glaring daggers at his boyfriend. “You will get me my pastries, damnit!”
“You know, you really are adorable when you’re angry.”
“Why you -”
Luckily, Roy had swiftly darted out the front door and slammed it firmly shut before Ed could lunge at him, but could still hear the muffling cursing of his boyfriend from behind the thick door as he boarded the automobile that he so blatantly did not want Ed to drive.
If Roy knew just one thing about his lover, it would be that Ed would be spiteful for the rest of the week over something like this. Hell, you didn’t even have to be dating the psychopath to know that. But damn he was just irresistible when he was all pissy like that.
Maybe he’d just accidentally forget those pastries Ed wanted.
Accidentally, of course.